


Missed Opportunities and Major Regrets

by the_scarlet_01



Series: Facing the Inevitable [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bobbi has two ex husbands, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Coulson's Team gets defensive, Depression, Hints at past Clint/Coulson, Mix of MCU AOS and Hawkeye comics, Other, PTSD, Past Bobbi/Clint, Pre AOS Mid-Season Finale, Pre Skye's transformation, Self-Hatred, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 05:40:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3476558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_scarlet_01/pseuds/the_scarlet_01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are two sides to every story. This is Phil Coulson's take on "Fight, Flight, or What you Deserve".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dreaded Confrontation

**Author's Note:**

> Companion piece. Please excuse the liberties I have taken. I own nothing. I've never written any of these characters before.

Phil Coulson was not looking forward to the encounter he was about to have. He stared at the door. Dread and anxiety have him on high alert. He should have done this a long time ago. He should have done this before things got so horribly messed up, before he became director, before he had waited too long. He should have gone to his agents sooner. The last time he saw Agent Barton was watching a feed of his face as he attacked them under Loki’s control. His face had been clearly pale and had dark circles under his eyes. He figured Clint was fighting the control at some level, but things were just so wrong. Last time he saw Agent Romanov she was doing everything in her power to save her partner and working relatively well with the new team.

Then he took on Loki alone, without backup. He could almost hear Clint Barton in his head repeating back the reprimand Phil had spoken to him so many times. _You never go in alone. You wait for your team, you wait for you partner, you wait for me._ Part of him wishes he’d have taken his own advice. Part of him knew it was what had to be done, but that didn’t stop the dread he felt now after all this time. He walked into the tower with his team. He needed the Avengers expertise and there was no avoiding it.

The second the doors open and the people in the room turn to look at him it’s clear in their faces this was a mistake. He silently thanks whatever deity might be listening that Tony Stark appears to be absent but the thankfulness is short lived. Thor, Jane Foster, Darcy Lewis, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, and Clint Barton all stare at him. The look of confusion on Thor’s face means clearly Lady Sif had failed to mention to the demi-god prince that she had seen him. The audible gasp from Foster and Lewis was clearly evidence that his assumption was correct. He was there to talk to Thor but that thought was shoved rather far to the back of his mind when he scanned the rest of the room. Captain Steve Rogers, his hero wasn’t even looking at him. He followed his gaze to where his eyes were glued on Clint Barton. Clint Barton’s eyes were wide with shock. It took Coulson a moment to realize Clint looked almost the same as he did that day on the helicarrier over the monitor. His eyes weren’t an unnatural shade of blue, but he was too pale and he was shaking. Phil was just wrestling the memories from the helicarrier back down and trying to think of something to say when what little spark in his former agent’s eyes had seemed to dull. Phil took half a step forward to go to him to try and explain, to apologize, or something but he didn’t get the chance. The next thing he knew Clint was on his feet and leaving.

Phil stood there with no idea what to do, a feeling that was happening all too often since he woke up after Loki. He almost didn’t even notice Steve Rogers moving to follow Clint until Natasha stopped him. She spoke to the man and his shoulders slumped slightly. Steve Rogers turned from where he had been staring after Clint to Natasha and then in turned to Phil. His shoulders straightening, his jaw clenching, fists balled at his side, he was clearly putting himself in full Captain America mode. Phil would have been thrilled to see it again if it hadn’t been focused at him. Phil nearly flinched as the man leveled him with a glare he could only assume had been seen by a number of enemies and it was effective. Phil watched as his childhood hero pretty much spat at him and walked away.

Phil’s eyes moved back to where he was painfully aware Natasha was standing. He hadn’t even really looked at his other agent and he realized what a mistake that could have been. He knew she was lethal and she was protective. Clint Barton was normally her number one priority. She owed him too much to let anyone hurt him, and clearly she now counted Phil among the threats. Her face was nearly unreadable except Phil knew better. He could see the anger, betrayal, and fear in her eyes, a look he had seen after failed mission the kind where the duo would hardly make it out alive. The fear in her eyes worried him. He knew she was concerned for her teammates. He went to say something but the moment his mouth opened her hand went up to stop him and she looked away from him. She followed the others. He knew where she was heading, to check on her team. She’d always placed her partner’s wellbeing above her own. He doubted that had changed. They wanted nothing to do with him. He didn’t blame them. He’d let Fury convince him it was what was best for them, that not telling them was for their own good. It was selfish and he could see that now. He hadn’t wanted to hear Clint beg him for forgiveness when it should have been the other way around. He put his agent in a position with too little information and trusting Fury’s word too much. He was selfish. He had more than a few opportunities to call or show up and explain to them, to explain to Clint what had happened, but he blew them off. He was their handler, their superior officer. He had told himself that they had more important things to focus on. He let himself believe that building a new team so they could focus on theirs was better for everyone. He didn’t realize how wrong he was. They wanted _nothing_ to do with him. He found his anger at Fury boiling over again. How did he let him talk him into thinking this was the best course? He was pulled out of his thoughts as a now stoic Thor approached him. He clearly was unhappy with how his presence had affected his teammates.

“Son of Coul.” Thor said in a booming voice. Phil had almost forgotten how loud he was, but he listened as the other continued. “It is good news to see that you are no longer counted among the lost,” the demi-god stated, but the fact the sentiment did not match the stoic look raised flags in Phil’s mind. “Yet your appearance is clearly unsettling to say the least. Your mere presence here means that we have been made fools yet again and as it saddens me to say I must ask you to leave.”

“I know I made a mistake in not coming sooner, but Thor we need your help.” Phil said, a bit surprised he managed to steady his voice as well as he did.

Thor shook his head. “It appears my team is in greater need. I am sorry my friend but you must go.” With that Thor gestured to the door they had come through and crossed his arms over his chest signaling the end of the conversation before turning to return to Jane.

“Sir,” Agent May started to say behind him.

“We’ll just have to find another way.” Phil said before walking out the door.

…

Turns out there wasn’t much of another way. So Phil now braced himself for anything, or at least he thought he had when the doors opened up to reveal the Avengers the second time. Apparently they had been tipped off that he was on his way up because he stepped into the room and found he and his team nearly backed to the wall by Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanov, behind them stood Sam Wilson, who was apparently the newest team member. Again he was there to appeal to Thor for help, but unfortunately Thor was nowhere in sight.

His plan had already completely unraveled and all because again he was trying to avoid doing the obvious smart thing. He tried not the let the realization show on his face. He stopped a few feet away from where Steve and Natasha were standing. He was a bit surprised when Natasha walked over and immediately slapped him. The action momentarily dazed him, though he should have expected it. Melinda May immediately went to his side to defend him, Skye and Bobbi Morse not far behind. Steve didn’t miss a beat in moving to back Natasha. Phil knew that would just end horribly. Natasha looked like she was out for blood and Steve looked like he wasn’t going to hold back against Phil’s team. He waved off May and the team. No one needed to get injured because he had made a few bad decisions. He could tell Natasha had limited herself. Last time he had seen her she wouldn’t even approach him, wouldn’t listen to him, she just walked away. Something had changed. Something was wrong. The way they were waiting for him he almost expected them to be in their suits. Though he was happy Natasha did not have her Widow’s Bite, otherwise he might have been in for more than a slap. He didn’t like not knowing what was wrong. Natasha’s eyes were angry, no hurt or fear like before, just pure anger. He’d seen it turned on other people but it was terrifying when aimed at him. Men who usually faced that look ended up with broken necks or bullet holes. Before he could even try to talk to her Natasha sent him a scathing glare and stormed off. It was almost enough to send a shiver down his spine, but he didn’t let it show. She hated him. His attention was drawn back to the room when he noticed Steve moving to take her place. This was not good. The look in the super soldier’s eyes matched Natasha’s, pure rage. It was unlike anything he’d seen on his hero’s face before. He seen determination, frustration, confusion, and much more but never rage. He wondered if this is what he looked like back in New York but that thought only made him feel guiltier. Phil took in the man’s stance and the way his fingers kept flexing like he was ready to swing at him. This could be a real disaster. His heartrate quickened because yet again something had to have set them off, something was wrong. It was something that was enough to make Phil and his team the enemy. The man in front of him wasn’t Steve Rogers, it was Captain America but without the shield.

“You have no idea what you have done, do you?” Captain America asked him.

Phil had to resist the urge to sigh. He knew he had made a mistake and he knew he shouldn’t have listened to Fury. He knew he hurt two of the greatest agents he’d ever had the privilege to know. He clearly let down his childhood hero and all the others at the same time. He had a feeling he should keep an eye on his computers and accounts, Tony Stark was bound to be angry. He had a feeling about what he done. “Fury said-” He tried to start to explain the best he could, but apparently he had started wrong because the captain just cut him off.

“Fury manipulated my team and you helped him. If I knew then what the two of you did I’d have let him bleed to death in DC alone.” Captain America said when he cut Phil off. It was followed by a twisted bitter laugh that seemed strange from the man he practically worshiped as a kid. The most confusing part was when he added, “Fury is gone, and so is my team.”

Phil didn’t understand that at all, his normally schooled expression faulting momentarily as he tried to sort through what he knew. Natasha, Steve, and Sam were clearly still working together. They were clearly still close with Tony Stark. They were standing in the man’s tower after all. Thor and Clint had been there the last time they were there.

“Oh, I guess no one bothered to notice that we’re now a man down. Too busy building a new team, or rather easily replacing the last one.” Cap said and that’s when the pieces started to come together, but it was painfully obvious what he meant when his gaze flipped to find Bobbi. “Because from where I’m standing breaking him and replacing him seems to be a common thing for your lot.” There was little doubt who Cap had meant and it made Phil’s stomach drop. Clint. Clint wasn’t there. Normally where Natasha was Clint was. The fact he hadn’t been there was now painfully obvious. How had he not figured it out sooner? When Cap’s focus turned back to Phil he nearly flinched. His chest felt tight as the captain continued, “I don’t care if you were legally dead, I don’t care if you were recovering, and honestly, right now I simply don’t care for you at all. I don’t give a fuck why you are here but you have zero right to be after what you did.”

 “It was Fury’s-“ Skye tried to argue and the fact his young agent was trying to take on a furious Captain America only added more tension. He put his arm out to protect his agent when the lamp that had been near Cap shattered against the wall. This was getting very bad.

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FURY!” Cap shouted at Skye. Skye’s wince was obvious out of the corner of his eye, May was ready to fight. Bobbi stared at the lamp, though she clearly looked ready for action, and Phil just prayed that Hunter had enough self-preservation to keep his mouth closed. _Clint wouldn’t have,_ his mind added like a punch in the chest. Phil was thankful when Sam Wilson seemed to step in to try and calm the furious super soldier. “I really don’t care why you are here, but the Avengers no longer owe SHIELD anything,” Cap continued, muscles twitching as he crossed his arms to keep calm. “Besides, you cost us our archer. The SHIELD we owed died with Fury. It ended when those carriers went down and Natasha exposed every secret your agency had. We owe you nothing. Our allegiance has changed and this is all because of you.” Coulson had to really focus to keep his expression from revealing the guilt that was starting to compound.  “I have never been more disappointed in a single person, with possibly the exception of Nick Fury himself.” That was almost as bad as a punch from Phil’s hero. He was still so angry with what Fury had done to him even after he had warned him. He was trying so hard to stay himself recently, to keep his team going, they were already so frayed and now he had added another mistake.

Then Captain America was in Phil’s personal space. “You deserve a hell of a lot more than a slap to the face. Barton is gone and he’s never coming back. Fury may have started a lie, but you could have ended it. Put a good man out of his misery, but you let him carry so much guilt it nearly killed him. You’re the reason he left. You’re the reason he’s now out there alone. You had one job, to look after your agents. I hope this new team was worth it.” The captain’s words cut deep. He already knew he had failed Clint and Natasha. He’d let them down and he could never make that up to them and now he had to hear it from Captain America it was almost too much. Correction, it was too much. Phil winced as Captain America poked him hard in the chest to emphasize his point as he finished his argument. “If anything happens to him out there or to my team because he’s gone, I will hold you personally responsible. We spent so long trying to convince him that your dying wasn’t his fault. That you’d have wanted him to be strong, I guess we were wrong. Was his sanity an acceptable loss to you? Do you even know how this looks from our side? Because from here it looks like you either blame him or he meant so little to you that you could easily replace him. Sleep with that on your conscience.”

Phil’s world shifted at that. He hadn’t let himself think about how much Clint would blame himself for what Loki did. It was a thought he tried to bury. Clint Barton had been his responsibility and he’s sanity was not a loss Phil wanted to live with, but it was clearly too late. He’d done so much damage to his agent that he was gone. He should have known better. He should have seen signs. Hell, he should have been looking for signs. He knew how easily Clint would blame himself. He knew how shaky the man’s self-worth was even on good days. He had worked so hard to get Phil’s approval without realizing he’d had it since the very beginning. If Clint had the same thoughts in his head that Captain Rogers did than Phil had made the biggest mistake of his life. Clint Barton was irreplaceable, that is why he didn’t try to pull him from the Avengers to be back at his side. He knew the world needed him where he was. Clint Barton meant a lot more than he clearly knew and it was Phil’s failure if he didn’t know that. He hardly even noticed his childhood hero leaving. His mind was filled with every chance he had to make this right that he had wasted. He should have gone to Clint the moment he was cleared from Medical. He never should have started a new team without clearing the air with his old team. He owed them so much more than he gave them and he now had to live with the fact he essentially ruined Clint Barton’s life. What had he done?

“Sir,” Bobbi’s voice drew him out of his thoughts, he stiffened when her hand touched his shoulder. The last thing Phil wanted to do was deal with Clint’s ex-wife. He brushed her hand off. He knew he would obviously have to deal with her eventually. He had put her on the team. What was he thinking? Clint had been his focus for so long, even after Natasha joined. He turned back and headed out the door. One thing nagging more than the others, who did they think he had replaced Clint with?

On the elevator he tried to think of something to do. He tried to think of how to fix this mess he made. He pulled out his phone and dialed Clint’s number. He bit back a groan when the number didn’t connect. He figured he’d take a stab at trying to figure it out. “JARVIS? I know you can hear me, I know Stark has you everywhere. You control these elevators.”

“I have been listening since you arrived, _Director Coulson_.” The AI stated.

Phil leaned his head back against the wall, even Stark’s AI seemed mad at him.

“They can’t find him can they?” He asked the AI.

“No sir, they have not been able to locate him.”

“He doesn’t want to be found.” Phil didn’t even bother phrasing it as a question, he already knew.

“It appears so,” the AI supplied anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I own nothing. I just really wanted to get Phil's POV on the situation. I added the bit with Thor that isn't in the other story. It just seemed necessary. This is my first series and I wanted all sides told. It's unbeta'd so forgive any mistakes. I can only reread so many times.


	2. Lost Battles but Small Victories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coulson gets a message from Natasha. Skye puts a few pieces together.

Phil’s phone went off where it sat on his desk. He sighed as he picked it up. He had a new message from an unknown number. He opened it.

_We found him-NR_

He read it a few times before finally setting the phone down. Natasha had found Clint. It didn’t alleviate the gnawing guilt that he’d had since that first meeting. He thought about the way the archer’s face had paled and his hands were shaking. Phil put his head in his hands. Not even looking up when there was a knock at the door. He sighed. “Yeah.”

“Umm,” Was all Skye could say as she took in her boss’ posture.

“Skye,” Phil said looking up at her, attempting to compose himself in some way.

“Is this a bad time? I can come back later.” She felt a bit weird about seeing her fearless leader out of sorts. It was always a strange sight.

“Now’s fine.” He brushed it off.

“Are you okay, AC?” She asked, sort of letting the reason she was there fall to the sidelines. “Because since-“

He held up a hand and cut her off. “I’m fine.”

“Obviously.” Skye rolled her eyes as she sat down in the chair in front of his desk. She really didn’t care if she was being insubordinate, he was clearly lying.

“It’s nothing Skye,” Phil tried to placate her.

“Really? Because I just got a hit from a realtor on a house that was paid for pretty much in one crazy payment from one of Hawkeye’s aliases.”

Phil couldn’t fight the small grin. That must be the tip Natasha had gotten. He took out a pen and wrote down the number from Natasha’s message. Thankful it hadn’t been a blocked number. She was clearly one step ahead of them. He held the paper out to Skye. “Try and track down this number. See if it’s anywhere near there.”

Skye took the paper and looked at the number. “I’ll see what I can do but,” Skye hesitated a bit, not wanting to point out what he obviously knew.

“Yes, I know.” He sighed and leaned back in his chair. “It’s probably a burner and she’s too smart to leave it on, but I just need to know.” He needed to know he hadn’t done more damage than anyone could repair.

“Okay then.” Skye stood up but hesitated to leave.

“Yes?” He raised an eyebrow and looked at her.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but, I’m not your first stray, am I?” She didn’t see the point in mincing words.

“No,” Phil’s shoulders slumped slightly.

“Barton was, wasn’t he?”

He nodded.

“Ah, gotcha.” Pieces were finally fitting together for Skye. “I’m sure he’s okay.” She tried to reassure her boss. “If he’s half as skilled as the stories everyone tells than he’s got nothing to worry about.”

Phil held back a pained laugh. Barton always put others before himself. It was part of why he was so good at his job. He’d had the concept of being worthless beaten into him and it showed in his work. His desire for praise, his sarcastic defense mechanisms, his recklessness, all to feel like he was doing something right, to be told he was more than useless. The fear of them tossing him in jail for failing was ever present. No matter how hard Phil had tried to convince him it was ridiculous. With no one else around he wasn’t sure Barton would be on top of his game, especially if he really never got past being compromised. “I hope you’re right.” Phil finally said.

“I’ll just get to checking this number.” Skye said as she headed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always, I own nothing. This chapter is shorter, partially because its companion chapter is rather short. I just really want to hint at the point that Skye realizes that when they talked about replacing Clint in Coulson's eyes they meant her. She's his new "pet project" of sorts. Seems a crass way of putting it. Forgive me if they come off a bit out of character, still learning to write them.


End file.
